Romance and sex: what men really want

Romance and sex: what men really want || “AFRICAN men are trash!” I think I read this on Twitter or somewhere, but it stuck with me. I’m not a man, but this statement bothers me to no end. Everyone has a story and a reason why such words would be uttered.

My friend Adrian always says, “There’s a different God for African men, one that judges deeds and one who has nothing to do with salvation.” Brutal right? That’s her story to tell.

I’m the only girl in my family. I grew up around amazing, strong and loving men. I know a good African man when I see one and I have seen and known many. African men are seldom celebrated when they do good. So, this is for all those good men out there. I celebrate you by asking what you want and hope that you can be celebrated everyday and get it (pun intended). Trust, I only asked the good guys.


Most men I talked to said they didn’t care for romance. “No, no need to be chased.” One even said “I’m the Alpha, what romance?” These men did all the work of wooing essentially, and want to feel like “men” (kudos to you guys).

Romance is not expected, but it’s an added bonus. One man’s idea of romance was simple. “If she prepares dinner and serves it or makes my favorite dish, I’m happy with that!. If she takes the initiative, that goes a long way. But rose petals on the bed and all, I don’t care. I can live without it.” That’s it! As a woman, I think I’d equate this (simple requirement) to a death sentence.

My love expert for hire, Tafadzwa, had the funniest things to say this week. “I’m not into flowers etc, I’d rather have a cooked meal.” You see the pattern here? “I’m ok with calls and texts during the day. Just check on me now and then; be my energy source, I’m good. I just need to know someone is there for me, everything else I’m good, I don’t demand too much. Instinctively, I just want to take care of her.” Once again, not what Imagined I’d hear at all.

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The truth is though, even though most men I spoke to deny that romance was of importance; a few were bold enough to delve into some truths. Tafadzwa continued to explain as follows: “We also want romance, but us men, we are too macho sometimes. We are too fragile so we don’t wanna expose ourselves. It’s a survival instinct lest our species goes extinct any sign of weakness in a men is viewed with contempt.”

My take from these men is that men want romance too. That small little detail he is not thinking of, do it. You are happy when he is happy and he is worth that breakfast in bed, or special dinner on a hump day (Wednesday – don’t get any funny ideas).


When I started asking men what they want in the bedroom, I expected a list of wild and superhuman erotic feats. (I interviewed about 10 guys).  What I got, however, was more shocking and exciting at the same time. (It’s not about being a porn star ladies). One thing for sure, before we go any further, they all want blow jobs. Side bar:  but as a rule of thumb, listen here ladies, he goes down on you, you go down on him. There is no compromise. If this has not been happening, stop celebrating that man!

1). Remember what makes him tick

“I pointed out to a girl that I just started dating that whenever she wore her glasses and a suit, it drove me crazy. She remembered that. She has been a librarian, a lawyer, a doctor, and a scientist the last few times we met. I can’t wait to see her again. A woman who remembers what a guy likes is hot.” Kudzai M, 37, Philadelphia.

2). Sex in front of a mirror… yes!

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This was from six of the guys I talked to, so it warranted its own segment because, well, the details were just too juicy to skip.

“My wife and I moved into a 1970’s style house. On one wall was an ugly mirror which has becomes my best friend. One night, my wife discovered that she could watch everything we did on this mirror. It was mind blowing hot. It’s like watching our own sex tape. Yes, everyone should get a mirror.” Takura D, 29. Boston.

So umm, yeah, I guess get a mirror on your ceiling, or wall. Somewhere you can enjoy it.

3). Talk dirty. Yes, men actually love it when you talk (sometimes)

“Talking during sex stimulates more than ears. I’m not talking about what happened at work and gossip from next door. Dirty, and instructive talk are what I want to hear. One girl that I dated called me Shewe, and that just did it for me.”  Nqobile (Q), 39. Harare.

Personally, I can’t imagine calling anyone Shewe, but if that’s what makes him tick, go for it. Be that woman that drives him wild with words.

4). Stroke my ego, praise

What I got from this is that men are no different from women when it comes to compliments. Words of praise before hooking up. “Look at me and tell me how hot I look and how much you want me” and after, “look at me and tell me how great I was.” Kuda G, 45, Harare.

Along those lines, men worry about the size of their measurable organs (you know what I’m talking about), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities. Somehow it is common sense. “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit,” the scriptures say. (I know! I brought God into this).

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5). We want sex because we do

A little “throw-me-down sex, on-the-wall, smash-your-head-on-the-pillow sex” is the right medicine. “Men want their women to enjoy sex, not endure it like “that’s what my man wants”. “It’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her. On occasion, try letting him to ravish you.” Brian D, 40, Mutare. What does that look like? Depends, ask your man. In fact, ask him today!

So, there you have it, as much as I could squeeze in. Part two with juicier details to come. It’s about time and maturity for men to admit to themselves and their partners that they also need to be romanced and embraced by a woman. Courage, bravery and all the words that go with these are what it takes to show what men truly want.

As Kudzai said, “it involves a level of knowledge to know that allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliest thing a man can.”

Bottom-line, men just want what women do. Love, attention, security, reassurance, action fun and whatever else you are saying I didn’t include right now. Not all African men are trash, most definitely deserve this list and more. If you have a keeper, go get ‘em. Celebrate them today.

|| Romance and sex: what men really want ………



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